This weekend took me into new places, < never been the the Almonte Arena before>, taught me new things and helped me see things from a different perspective.
I’m not going to get too heavy into this, as I am just at the beginning of some of my “outside my comfort zone” adventures, and I’m not really into revealing all those dark side moments.  There have been a few this weekend, and I can say that the dark is needed to be able  see the light, and it is important not to dismiss it or ignore it. I’m just not gonna write about it today.
Since being grateful and sharing positives is something the internet needs right now, here’s some of the highlights from my weekend adventures.
Dancing in a crowded fundraiser performing a stick routine where there really was not enough room to safely do so with 3 other Belly Dancing For Fun dancers:

So, doing this kind of event has become pretty much second nature. We show up, text whoever has not arrived yet to indicate where the heck we are – thank goodness Siddiqah has been out there before and knew where the event was happening!
And we scope out the space make a plan, then I change the plan halfway through the routine as it’s not quite working as I had hoped. So the comfort zone gets shredded and reassembled as best we can…
We danced, we wrought havoc, we were applauded, and then Ameenah and I changed back into our civvies and headed to Ottawa’s deep south.
And then we shot arrows tipped with marshmallows.  Having no real inclination towards athletics,  Archery seems like a reasonable alternative, except when you know you’ll be “playing” with people who do sportsing and training and have a lot of muscles and weaponry skills. Thank goodness there was almost as many of us with nerd/ geek/ artsy skillz to offset the venn diagram.

Lesson learned -Bow arm:  rotate elbow outwards to get the upper arm the heck out outta the way when shooting the arrow.  Will revisit Archery games in January to try again!  Might actually make a personal arm brace too…
Saturday, I was in recovery mode from the above adventures, plus another journey I am on at the moment that involves trips to a fitness facility, guidance and accountability. I’m not going to get into this one too deeply as it’s really a test journey which may be short lived, or not. We’ll see, but suffice it to say, I have more pain from it than from the Dramatic Battle Bruises…
Sunday morning I walked cross downtown to hop on a bus to Montreal, then walked and bussed again within Montreal to attend the 2015 YOGA MUDRAS – HEALING & THERAPEUTIC ASPECTS by Amrita Choudhury workshop. I had no time to dillydally in Montreal so anyone I know who lives there, know that I had no time to see you anyway.

I learned a lot, and while I found sitting on the cushion really uncomfortable – I don’t do yoga regularly, and with the pain I have from the other things I’ve been doing, I was happy to go grab a chair for the latter part of the workshop.  There was a wonderful amount of information and lots to assimilate into my world. After we finished,  it was a bit of a blur as I then had to hurry to get back to the bus to head home.   PSA – Montreal busses could use some sort of announcement system for the stops. Nearly missed mine with the crowded bodies blocking my view of street signs <read stressful moment>!
 
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who made supper and there was gelato and macadamia nut cookies and Moscato to bring me back into my comfort zones after a bit of a crazy weekend of new stuff.
And this morning, after another fitness facility visit < slightly less stress, but still questioning this whole concept>:

sorry… silliness.
#zeropeopleday.
Often Monday – sometimes shifted when i need to due to deadlines and workload.
And I am treasuring you.
Why.
Anxiety. Overworking. Burnout. Not treating myself with the courtesy I have just barely learned to give others….
It began with messages from my therapist I’ve talked about in a previous post, and continued as I have been trying to be consistent about keeping that “1 day off” per week.

And today has been a much needed day off. I did lots of little things today and am about to hit the futon with the book I am reading right now < Human, by S.M.Carriere, if you are curious>.
I am simply taking a moment to post about how grateful I am for being reminded to take time to recharge myself so that I can be a productive member of society.
And to also not feel guilty about it, since it’s part of the larger equation.
Other folks get it too- each in their own way, but with ideas to help find our own ways…:

• http://entreprenista.com/blog/liveandthrive/take-a-day-off-self-care-for-effective-entrepreneurship/
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pritchard/is-selfcare-selfish_b_4344970.html
• http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=1657

Anyway – time to get back to my #zeropeopleday – and the dog just grunted at me – she needs some snuggle time too!

Officially car-less…. first time since 1999.
Happy Halloween BTW – or Samhain if you are a little bit Celtic.

In the spring of 2011, we gratefully took in a rescue that was no longer wanted, and gave it a spa week to rejuvenate it and equipped it with some new accessories.
And the Silver Sunfire has served us well.
SS participated in the production of Scream All You Want, journeyed to many a local dance event, has taken us to family events and obviously, on our annual summer trip.

But, as with all things in life, the wheel turns and changes must come.
This week we made a donation.

With much reflection, we decided that SS should be sent on new adventures.  And we checked out a variety of options, and chose to donate to the Kidney foundation.
There are many ways to donate your car, and we encourage folks to check them all out. For us, it was the clearest and simplest and they were helpful on the phone and the pick up was quick and painless.
So, fare well, Silver Sunfire, on your new journey.
Oh, and tonight we try Zipcar.ca for the first time – so if you want a referral, let me know – there are discounts/ coupons or something…

Many people I know, myself included, are engaged in a journey of trying to improve our mental health.  Anxiety has become a more prominent adventure in my world over the past 3 years or so, with side benefits of panic attacks, moments of lethargy and awareness of aging and hormonal changes and realizations that I write run-on sentences.

Thankfully, after the 3rd annual physical where I asked my doctor about how to deal with these feelings of anxiety that were manifesting into physical reactions < heart pounding, every molecule in my body tingling, and other experiences> she finally stopped telling me to “Go for a run.” and let me know that the clinic I belong to offers a limited number of free counselling sessions.

“Would talking about it help?”

Uh, yes… that’s why I keep talking about it with you when I come in here..

“Did you know we offer free counselling?”

NO, you never told me that.

” Would you like me to set that up?’

YEESSS … <*FFS!*, my brain emits loudly into the silence  >

So.  The poor counsellor.

She’s a very quiet woman, who is trying to figure out how to get me to understand what I am doing to myself and why I have to stop.

I’m going to the sessions because I want help, so I am trying to help her figure this shit out so that she can give me some guidance.

And this week she tried 3 analogies, of which the first one was totally blown out of the water by my programming.

“If you had an employee, would you make them work straight through without taking a break?”

Well..  that depends.  If we are on a deadline for a client and have to get the work done, yes. I might get them pizza, but I’ve been there and worked 24 hours x multiple days a few times over the years. You do what you have to to meet the deadline and get things done. 

She looks at me.

Sigh.

“Okay, then maybe you need to look at this like a marathon… You cannot keep running at full pace the whole time and expect to finish. Maybe the reward is to finish…”

A light went on, I added, in my head,  ah, ok – without collapsing and vomiting…  

Please note: I’ve never run more than a block or two, so I do not actually know from personal experience how hard a marathon is, but I can live vicariously through others and have seen the good and bad results of folks running marathons. Those who finish after pacing themselves, pushing when they need to, but keeping themselves hydrated and taking care as they go, those folks may still collapse at the end, but the results seem much more positive than the ones lying in pain on the side of the course having pushed too hard.

” And maybe, think about stoplights. when things are green, you can good to keep going. When things turn yellow, you need to consider slowing down. and if you don’t slow down enough, if you run through those red lights, there’s a chance you’ll get hurt.” < I’m paraphrasing, but this is pretty much what I got from her.>

Okay – I can work with that too. Slowing down before I run a red light and crash, that kind of makes sense…

And reading…and researching… and keeping it together when I have to, and stepping back and retreating before I crash – that’s in the works.

One of the books she suggested I get, has a section that talks about how much downtime we all should be taking:

1 hour per day

1 day per week

1 week every 3 months

and there might be more, but my brain stopped at 1 week every 3 months – who can afford to do that? With bills to pay and client deadlines to meet, how can anyone take that much time off??

And yes, my hubby and I take 3 weeks in August every year, so I guess that’s almost the same, but we schedule for it for months, making sure our clients know and our work is up to date and done as needed. And yet, the thought of scheduling in a week off every 3 months through the rest of the year, that’s a hard one.

So, I picked the 1 day off a week as my goal.  I call it my “Zero-People Day”.  For me, that means: no clients, no social engagements, internet only if I “feel” like it, but no business replies, fun/ creative/silly stuff only.  And I try to take time with the family that day, but big commitments are off the table.

And I felt guilty.

and I felt like it was wrong.  Wait…what?

Why do I not deserve a day off? What’s that about?  Ah, well, this is why I’m getting help.  So I started to look forward to my zeropeopleday with growing personal permission to do what I needed to do that day, for me.  Yes, work was still there and waiting, but it will always be there, so I just needed to manage my time when I was in work mode to allow myself that break and reduce those negative feelings.

And then the universe chose to test me – as it always does…

For 3 weeks I had to give up my Zero People Day to work. Crisis deadlines and this being my busy season, all call into play extenuating circumstances and there it went. I still had a day off here and there, but those days off were filled with social commitments and other pre-booked events that were fun, but I still had to be “on”.

I reclaimed it on Thursday July 2nd and was amazed at how I had returned to feeling guilty and awkward and undeserving again – after only 3 weeks of being in crisis mode!

WTF.

So… obviously, I have some issues.

We all do, I’m not the only one, and on a scale, if I was comparing my problems to others I know, my problems are pretty low. I am relatively healthy physically, and have many good people around me that are very supportive – and I try to avoid burdening folks with this stuff, but I thought it was time to talk about it a little bit – maybe the stuff I’ve been told will help others.

Other things my counsellor has suggested:

http://selfcompassion.org – treating ourselves as we would treat a friend < uh, that one did not resonate as well for me as it could have>

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.php – this one I am still working through the downloads…

So, there it is. I’m still having days where I need to step back and take time to cocoon < yesterday after work was one of those>.  And I know there are more changes ahead as I approach/ enter into a new age of my physical development as a woman.  But I’ve been angry for years so I’m not sure how different some aspects of it will be… we’ll see.

Anyway – back to your regularly scheduled programming now:

So I don’t know much about plants. I grew up in a house where eventually we lost the use of the dining room because of the amount of house plants mom had.
My dad had a garden and compost bin out back as well, growing lots of stuff but Swiss chard was the notable plant- he loved it.
So here I am, in my middling years, with enough knowledge to have kept a spider plant alive for a decade or do and a few other indoorsy plants ish.
Bring on the new abode… and the shifting of the universe that emptied out 3 out of 6 units, including the folks who sort of took care of the common areas.
I had already been shovelling the front walk all winter as the “superintendent” never seemed to arise before noon and certainly never picked up the shovel even to do a second round during the day.
We also had brought our own mower from the old place as we did take care of the common areas there.
So here we are again. We’ve taken on the care of the common areas and I’m feeling like progress can happen.
This time, the front already had established flowery beds and the back yard had some basic work done by the previous tenants ( I think I have Kitty to thank for that).
My caveats: I know nothin about plants, except :

• perennials mean plant once and if they live, you are all set.
• ….uh, yeah. That’s all I know. Well, and water them if the rain is not doing it’s job.

Today I was able to get the 2nd gift of greenery donated to my cause of maintaining my sanity as well as creating a nice space.
Gailene got me started a couple of weeks ago- those pics are somewhere and the plants seem to be still alive!
Thanks muchly to everyone who has offered and to Gailene and Andrea who have been able to provide the experimental flora for me to explore this ancient art.
Now I have to go clean my nails!

So.
Yeah.
The last time I was “encouraged” to opt into a dress code, it was for a Charity Ping Pong tournament where they asked us to wear “tennis whites”. So I wore this:
Surprisingly, I did not win the costume contest, but since I lost to a couple dressed as Cleopatra and Ceasar who had a lot more skin showing than me, it was ok. And yes, I played Pingpong in this outfit and won almost every game, until I got tired of playing and switched to my left hand for the final game and lost by one point.
🙂
And today, I’ll be attending a friend’s baby shower and the dress code is once again white. Now, white is lovely. I design, make and alter wedding dresses. So yeah, I know white.
But I am messy, I have a dog, and I know I get white clothing dirty very quickly, so I don’t invest in it.
But what I did invest in last year was a pile of men’s XXL white t-shirts for a summer sewing course I taught to young girls and I had some left over.  SO this  morning, I made this.
They have also suggested that we accessorize with turquoise, purple and brown.  I’ll pull out some purple sneakers, and a turquoise necklace, and hope that I don’t spill anything chocolate on my dress.
Have an awesome day!